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Although my mom is no longer with us....I recall the phone call that sent me falling backwards screaming....that she "might" be gone...but was on the way to the hospital with the EMT's working on her....
The numbing sensation of processing such a horrific thought saved me from the concussion I probably should have experienced from hitting the concrete floors of Home Depot... How could this be? She was just on the phone several hours before telling me how much she loved me! WTF? Wow, how your world can stop and forever change in the blink of an eye....
You see, I had been blessed to have a small business and enough work to actually hire my mom for a week back in 2006. She had come to spend a week with me, pick up my daughter for summer vacation, and left on a Saturday morning after a couple cups of coffee and countless "chats" that I shall treasure indefinitely.
On Saturday night, after she took the 2 hour drive back South; she must have called me a half dozen times...making plans for a trip to Geauga Lake with all the grandkids, making plans for the Family Reunion, and making plans for me to come down and visit them. She was so happy, excited, and jubilant... She had got home, bought some pizzas for all the grandkids and relaxed that night while I had stayed to work late...getting in near midnight she called again to make sure I was safe and sound and to let me know all was well....
Then, on Sunday morning, she woke up to get the grandkids off to church and went back to her room...with a plate of pizza.... As my dad went out front to meet the people who gave the kids a ride to church; my four year old daughter went back up those stairs and found her grandmother kneeling face down in the floor at the foot of my parents' bed....she was already blue. My child went screaming into the hallway and as my dad walked back in the house he found my child upstairs screaming and ran to see what was going on....and found my mother...
All of his combat medic experience could not have prepared him for the shock, the crying children going hysterical or the EMT's not getting results on their machines...after he had been doing CPR until they arrived.... Ultimately, she had pizza lodged so bad in her pipes that they to use metal rods to dislodge it after she was diagnosed dead at the hospital.
My world forever changed that day.... she was so much to me... But now I had to figure out so much....and yes, I did put my family first and quit working to go help my dad take care of his 2 grandsons... It hasn't been easy, but who said life was going to be easy or fair. It had to be done and there was no question in my mind...
During the funeral, I couldn't find the words to speak out loud... I feel like I was in robotic motion....getting through the little things...Making sure she didn't come to haunt me (like she had often threatened if I didn't do certain things when she passed...).... But, past those details, I was totally locked up inside...and it was so hard to explain to folks...
I wrote this shortly after she died....and I think it says a ton.... : Yet, more than writing and sharing this postumously I was evermore blessed to have shared almost every moment of my world with her to the moment she died. We did not hold back even when we fought. We shared, cared, and kept it real beyond words...We laughed, talked, and never had a day pass that we didn't say "I LOVE YOU" at least 1 time...let alone before we hung up the phone if far from one another... I know without a shadow of a doubt that despite any dilemmas of life that my mom loved me and she knew I loved her....I know how blessed I was to have her in my world when she was alive and I always tried to show her to the best of my abilities.... we used to say: "NO BYGONES".... Despite her unexpected loss, we had learned to appreciate the little things because you just never know....
I wish for all the mothers and children to be able to know the kind of love that I was blessed to have known...even with all its imperfections, mistakes, and trials and tribulations...My mom rocked... And now she's an Angel who shall forever be with me...like the sun & moon....
June 16, 2006
A better friend I could not have found,than in you. A more loyal supporter, I could never have imagined. The world sped by, but you kept up the pace and raced to be there for everyone and every occassion, without thought of your selfless sacrifices. Your love for each of us was immeasurable, boundless, and totally unconditional and we were all so lucky to have had your light in our lives. You made missions impossible happen while everyone stood on the sidelines. You were the driving force of accomplishment to most tasks at hand. You were the midnight phone calls telling me that you "just wanted to make sure that your baby was okay and that you loved me!" regularly. You were the one who never forgot a special occassion, made sure that you had the time to bake cookies and celebrate birthdays when everyone else seemed to be too busy. You were the one who did it all and you were the one who added that special "PHYLLIS" only spark to every minute of the day and event. You did not know how to say, "NO" to anyone. You gave your soul to everyone you loved... and no matter who did what wrong, you unconditionally forgave them and went back to try to fix them some more... You gave life everything you ever had to give... and you did it with a bright, caring, and considerate heart and smile along the way.
There wasn't enough time at the funeral home to verbalize and encompass all the things you've done to make our lives the best you could...But you were our compass and direction... You were the wind beneath our wings. You were the angel that cuddled and hugged us all with every breath you had. You were the sun in our days and the moon in our nights. You were the spirit that ensured that everyone was ready to get to were they needed to be. You were the constant worrier for everyone but yourself. You were the star of perfection that enabled us all to dream, live, and glow with your vibrance behind us. You were the passion and fire behind every supportive goal we ever helped others out in. You were the one who brought laughter to every moment. You were the one... the one we all depended on to be who we are today. You were our soul,inspiration, and proud backbone to everything...
By the Luck of the Irish, we were blessed to have you all the way, no matter what and through all the good and bad! You were our endearing soldier of life.
Along the way, you've earned more than one purple heart and a few combat medals to which the world should know about. (But most already know- because there were no secrets with you!) You've earned volunteer medals and awards too...But most importantly, you are our HERO for life. You are now the memory and spirit that will be a constant reminder of what we should be doing, how we should do it, and most importantly that we must get 'er done! You led by example, no "to do list" was too long for you to accomplish. Just Do It! With your Princess Reebok Sneakers getting worn thin, you just replaced 'em and kept on going!
Oh, mommy, the world will just have to know that I knew that you loved me more than life itself. But even more so, I knew that you loved each and every other person no less! So, with that said, I am more than honored that you were MY mother and that I genuinely was lucky enough to be with you regularly, talk with you nearly daily, and never miss knowing that you were always going to call to tell me that you just wanted to hear my voice and know that I was okay. Of course those days are still ahead... And I welcome them with open arms just knowing that you are at peace, resting, and more importantly; PARTYING UP IN HEAVEN WITH ALL THE ONES YOU'VE MISSED FOR SO LONG... to include but not be limited to: Paulie, Grandma Lee, Uncle Mark, Uncle Ronnie, Little Ronnie, Beverly Verble, and Norma.... I just know that now that all your work is done here on earth-God is letting you live it up for eternity with all the ones you always missed!
Your presence always brought with it the present of smiles, jubilation, and laughter. Your ATTITUDE was unparalleled, GOOD, BAD OR INDIFFERENT! You said it like it was! You will never be alone and we shall all be lucky to know that you are always gonna be with us in our hearts!
I've known for all too long that your day would come...I just never expected it so soon. Your heart, Angelina is staying so strong and "matter of fact" about your passing...just as you would have expected. She now believes that you are the smiley/HAPPY FACE on the sun. We took her to watch the most beautiful sunset at the lake last night and let her know this. Then this morning when I awoke with sorrowful sobbing tears missing you, She said, "Mommy, don't cry, Look, Grandma is coming up," as she was pointing to the rising sun in the East with the sun beaming through our windows!
You see, your nursery rhymes will remain with your Grandchildren, your special occasion cakes, and deeds of endearment will also remain with them.
I love you more than words can say... But you already knew that...NO BY GONES!
Absolutely, without a doubt---you were and will remain the best ever mother, friend, grandma, aunt, sister, cousin, and family member a person could have had...and you were ours!!!
I love you! You'll be hearing from me more...I hope that everyone expresses their endearments for you openly because you'd of wanted them to! Enjoy your travels mommy!
Always, Dianna Lynn Hill, Your #1 BRAT!!!!! You're Free Now Momma!
Life's been busy... So many challenges.... But my mom was so much more that I can only begin to encompass.